Author: Kamika Manning

The Tween Years: Holding On While They Push Away

There is a specific kind of heartbreak and exhaustion that hits right around age nine or ten, stretching into the early teens. It’s the phase where the child who used to hold your hand in public suddenly treats you like an embarrassing coworker.
If you’ve recently experienced the stinging burn of a 12-year-old’s eye-roll, a door slammed in your face, or a flat-out defiance of the rules you’ve had in place for years, you are not alone.
In those moments, the silence in the house feels heavy. Am I losing them? Did I miss a step? Why don’t they respect me anymore?
If you are navigating that confusing, emotional space right now, take a deep breath. Let’s look at what is actually happening beneath the attitude.

1. The Construction of an Individual

Between 9 and 13, your child’s brain is undergoing a massive renovation. They are fiercely trying to figure out who they are separate from you. Unfortunately, the easiest way for a tween to test out their independence is to push against the closest thing to them: you.
When they challenge your rules or question your authority, it’s rarely a malicious rejection of you. It’s a clumsy, messy attempt at autonomy. They are trying on new personalities, testing their own power, and seeing where they fit in the world.

2. You Are the Safest Place to Crash

It feels entirely unfair that the world gets their best, most polite behavior, while you get the attitude, the grunts, and the rule-breaking. But there is a hidden compliment in that heartbreak.
School, friendships, and social media are a minefield of pressure for a tween. They spend all day holding it together. When they come home and let the ugly side out, it’s because they know, with absolute certainty, that your love is unconditional. They know that even if they push you away, you aren’t going anywhere.

The Reality Check: They aren’t breaking the rules because they hate your structure; they are testing the boundaries to make sure the safety net is still there.

3. Shifting from “Manager” to “Consultant”

During the toddler years, you were the manager of everything. In the tween years, the job description changes. If we grip the reins too tightly, they pull back harder.
Teaching respect at this age isn’t about demanding blind obedience anymore; it’s about modeling calm strength. When they scream or dismiss you, and you respond with a quiet, firm, “I love you, but you cannot speak to me that way,” you are teaching them how to handle conflict. You are planting seeds of mutual respect that will finally bloom in the years to come.

To the Parent of the 9-to-13-Year-Old:

It is incredibly lonely to be the target of your child’s growing pains. It’s okay to feel hurt. It’s okay to grieve the little kid who used to think you knew everything.
But please don’t mistake this transition for failure.
You are doing a beautiful, agonizingly hard job. You are holding the line, keeping them safe, and absorbing the blows of their growth. Behind that tough, eye-rolling exterior, they still need your hugs, your guidance, and your presence—even if they’d rather die than admit it.
Keep showing up. Keep holding the boundaries. This stormy season is just a bridge to the incredible adult they are becoming.